Last week, I wrote about how we’re in a crisis of male friendships. Men in our 30s and 40s find it increasingly hard to build close friendships with other men. We might be surrounded by casual friendships, but few of us have guy friends who really have our backs, or who would jump into a fight for us.
The good news is, we’re not alone. After I published the post, several guy friends texted me saying that it really resonated with them. Everyone agrees that we want closer male friendships, but so few of us actually know how to get started.
Billy Baker, the author of the book which inspired this post, tried several ways to deepen his friendships. First, he tried calling up friends whom he hadn’t spoken to in years. But that approach feels weird to me. I don’t think I’d be able to hold a phone conversation with another guy for more than 5 minutes.
Why? A key reason could be an interesting observation that Baker made in his book: that women bond face-to-face, but men bond shoulder-to-shoulder. In other words, it’s rare for men to meet and simply talk facing each other. Even when we talk, you’ll notice that men will subtly angle our bodies to face towards the outside.
But an even better way for men to bond is to simply dosomething together: A project, a sport, a business, etc. Several of my friends meet regularly to play football or basketball. Unfortunately, I’m terrible at any sport involving balls (that’s a story for another time), so my friends are probably relieved that I’ve never invited myself to their games. And so I needed to find another way to get the guys together and grow my male friendships.
And that’s how I got inspired by a treasure hunt.
Billy Baker’s Treasure Hunt
In Chapter 8 of his book, Baker tells an amazing story about how he convinced his old college buddies to dress up like the Goonies, fly to Montana, and go on a treasure hunt.
Yes, you heard that right: A freakin’ treasure hunt. Baker and his friends went in search for a chest filled with several million dollars’ worth of gold coins and trinkets, the fortune of wealthy antiques dealer Forest Fenn. Fenn hid it somewhere in the Rocky Mountains, and penned a poem filled with cryptic clues on its whereabouts. Since the poem was published, it’s estimated that more than one hundred thousand people have gone looking for it. At least 5 people have died trying.
Baker and his friends decided to look for the treasure, knowing full well that it was a crazy, stupid, and brilliant idea. As Baker recounts, it had all the elements of an epic quest – the type that guys couldn’t say no to: 1) A physical element, 2) A hunting theme, 3) A possible tradition, 4) Some element of danger, and 5) the potential for wealth. (That last element is particularly enticing to men, because we are way too confident in our abilities to find wealth)
The hunt led Baker and his friends on a road trip through Idaho, taking stupid photos and telling crude jokes along the way. They spent a day hunting through possible treasure sites in West Yellowstone, and finally wrapped up the trip with a big bonfire outside their rented cabin. They never found the treasure, but it sounded like an amazing bros trip where everyone got to rekindle their friendships and go back to being stupid college kids again, just for one weekend.
The Call To Adventure
Now, we don’t have much buried treasure in Singapore, unless you count the ones hidden as part of some contest (like this $100,000 bounty, hidden under a lamppost at Jalan Nuang back in 2019. Which makes me so mad, because I used to walk past Jalan Nuang on a regular basis, but I never found any treasure).
But the idea did get me thinking: What’s another challenging quest that I could embark on with a bunch of guys? How might it bring us closer together?
Men are made for adventure. There’s something primal within us that longs to explore, hunt, and conquer. And when men go on quests together, we also grow closer together.
That’s probably why so many guys look back on their National Service days with such fondness. Despite the sweatiness and the time-consuming admin, National Service had quests built into the experience. Trudging through the jungles of Mandai or Lim Chu Kang together to attack some imaginary enemy was a surefire way to forge great friendships with the guys I did it with. 15 years after our NS had ended, my Army WhatsApp chat still buzzes regularly with old photos, ball-busting, and meet-up attempts.
Unfortunately, as white-collar professionals in our 30s, the only thing we conquer these days is the urge to fall asleep during our 3pm meetings. We’re saddled with debt, responsibilities, and chores. We don’t get much opportunity to go on adventures these days.
But in early January of 2019, I stumbled across an opportunity to embark on a quest. It wasn’t a treasure hunt, but it was like nothing I’d ever come across before. And it got me excited.
The Exodus 90 Challenge
Specifically, I came across a 90-day Catholic program for men called Exodus 90. According to the website, it entails committing to “prayer, asceticism (a fancy word for acts of self-denial), and fraternity” for 90 days.
Think of it as a 90-day bootcamp for the soul. Here are the details:
- Prayer: Daily holy hour; read a daily passage from the Book of Exodus
- Asceticism: Short cold showers; regular intense exercise; at least 7-hours of sleep a night; no alcohol, desserts or sweets; no eating between meals; no soda or sweet drinks; no media (including TV, movies or video games); no non-essential material purchases; only listen to music that lifts the soul to God; only use the computer /mobile for work or essential tasks; fast from one full meal on Wed and Fri
- Fraternity: Daily check-ins with your buddy; weekly meetings with your wider fraternity
(Longtime readers who are paying close attention might remember that this was the point that I took a break from writing. I had initially wanted to stop for just 3 months, but ended up not writing for three years as I wrote about here).
Why did I do it? To be honest, I was going through a lot at that point and I needed a spiritual reset. I was also ready for a bigger challenge in my faith life, and this seemed like an opportunity to actually live out a life of self-sacrifice, instead of simply talking about it. Plus, it had the added bonus of potentially forging deeper friendships with the guys who were stupid brave enough to do it with me.
How Exodus 90 Drew My Fraternity Together
I extended the invitation to the other male members of my Catholic young adults community, and after a lot of hesitation, four other guys stepped up to join me in Exodus: Brandon, Kelvin, Isaac, and Ian.
We timed it so that our 90th day would end on Easter – the biggest day of the year for Catholics. When we first started the program, it was really difficult. The ascetic disciplines were tough (no snacking or alcohol were probably the most difficult ones for me), but I found the fraternity aspect even more challenging.
The program required us to check-in daily with our buddy. This meant daily texts on how we were doing and short notes of encouragement & accountability to each other. I don’t even text my parents daily, let alone another guy. So finding the will to ask my buddies how they were doing was a new habit I needed to form. But rules were rules, and we all leaned into it.
At first, the daily check-ins felt forced. But it also gave us an outlet to share our hardships with each other. It also reassured me that we weren’t doing this alone, which was super helpful whenever I had to jump into a cold shower or turn down a bowl of potato chips.
We also met in-person on a weekly basis, an hour before our wider community sessions on Saturday. As part of that meeting, we’d each share about our struggles and victories from the past week. I’d assumed that we wouldn’t have that much to talk about, but we overran our time every single week. It turns out that guys do have a lot to talk about. We just needed a catalyst, a regular slot, and some common ground.
Eventually, we opened up more to each other. After 3-4 weeks, we stopped complaining about the disciplines and started sharing on deeper topics. We talked about our most vulnerable struggles, fears, pains and joys. I was struggling with some painful personal issues at that time, and having a band of brothers to share it with was exactly what I needed.
We ended our Exodus 90 journey on Saturday, Apr 20 2019, after Easter Vigil mass. We celebrated it by having prata (our first non-dinner meal) and milo dinosaurs (our first taste of sugar). It was an amazing feeling, and the celebration felt even more special because we were sharing it with each other.
I didn’t know those guys very well before we started, but by the end of the 90 days we were closer than ever. We came for the challenge, and stayed for the friendship. Even now, 4 years later, I still feel a closer bond with these guys because of what we had gone through together.
What Quests Can We Do Next?
My point in talking about Exodus 90 was about how quests can bring men together. In this context, a “quest” refers to a challenging endeavour that men can do together, with a specific end point. The emphasis is on the “together” part – I could have done Exodus 90 alone, but doing so would’ve robbed me of an amazing shared experience.
I think a big part of toxic masculinity is the Myth of the Solitary Male. As men, we’ve been led to believe that we need to overcome challenges by ourselves. But that’s simply a myth. Men have always desired a challenge, but we’ve never been asked to face them alone. Even in hunter-gatherer societies, men have hunted, built houses, and fought battles together. The best results and the biggest conquests happen when men come together.
That’s why I think it’s important for us to embark on epic, shared quests together, outside of our individual responsibilities. It feeds our deepest desires for adventure and growth, and reminds us that we aren’t alone in this world.
I’m already dreaming up of the next epic shared quests that I could undertake together with friends. Could we tackle The Strenuous Life program from the Art of Manliness? Could we train for a Spartan Race? Could we build a tiny house together? Could we buy an island and build something cool on it? Is there another treasure we could find?
Let me know if you can think of one – and if you’re up to the challenge.